Which Man Is the Woman to Choose

As the divine doctrine guides the man to the suitable wife, it also guides the woman to the suitable husband; and it determines the basic issues which must be available in the future partner, among which the following are prominent:

1- The Pious Man
It is related to Allah’s Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household) that he said, «In case a man whom you are pleased with his religion and trustworthiness asks the hand [of your daughters], then agree to. If you do not do so, there will be a sedition and huge corruption in the earth.»¹

The religiousness of the man, therefore, is from the first conditions which the woman must take into consideration. This is so because the pious man will preserve her however the conditions will be. This is pointed out in the following narrative: It is related that one man consulted Al-Hassan bin Ali bin Abi Taleb (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) as regards marrying off his daughter. Imam Ali (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) said to him, «Get her married to a pious man: In case he loves her, he will honor her; and in case he hates her, he will not mistreat her.»²

When the talk is about religiousness, it is obvious that he does not be from those who drink wine and get drunk. Many narratives confirmed that the father must not marry off his daughter to a wine drinker, as is related in the following narrative ascribed to The Noblest Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household): «He who drinks wine after Allah had forbidden it does not deserve to give him the hand [of a daughter or a sister] in case he asks to.»³

The woman must be aware of the risk of such a marriage because building hopes on a wine drinker is in vain. The following narrative ascribed to Imam Al-Reda (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) intensely warns of this: «Never get [your daughter or sister] married to a wine drinker; in case you do, it is as if you led to adultery.»⁴ By means of this, Imam Al-Reda (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) pointed out to the consequences and negative results of such a marriage.

2- The Man Characterized by Good Morals
In case we illustrate religiousness to be the theoretical belief which is translated in the life of the human being through the performance of the worships and certain behaviors (performing the prayer, fasting, keeping the beard, etc.), this will not be enough. We must take into consideration man’s morals which are manifested in his deeds and conduct, in the relationships with the people, and at trials. Therefore, we must consider both religiousness and morals at the same time because this will generally bring about a reassurance that this marriage is going to be successful and fruitful.

It is related that Houssein Al-Bashshar said, «I sent a letter to Abou Al-Hassan (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) that I had had a relative who proposed [to my daughter] yet he was characterized by bad morals.» He (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) sent back to me, «Do not agree to marry off [your daughter] to him in case he is characterized by bad morals.»⁵

Is Poverty an Excuse for the Woman to Refuse To Get Married to a Certain Man?

The Most High Allah answers this question in His Noble Book when He says,{And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Salihun (pious, fit, and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid servants (female slaves). If they be poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty. Allah is All Sufficient for His creatures’ needs, All Knowing (about the state of the people)}⁶

This noble Aya is a notification from The Most High Allah Who is Capable of everything and is Knowing of everything that He, The Most Glorious and Most Reverent, bestows His Grace and Generosity upon those who get married. Consequently, the financial state of the man is not the final state; it is expected that he be granted successfulness after marriage, as is stated by the just mentioned noble Aya.

In one narrative, it is related that Imam Ali Al-Reda (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) said, «In case a man whom you are pleased with his religion and moral proposes [to your daughter], then agree to [marry your daughter off to him], and do not let his poverty and need prevent you from doing so: The Most High Allah says, {But if they separate (by divorce), Allah will provide abundance for everyone of them from His Bounty…}⁷ and He also says,{… If they be poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty… }⁸»⁹

The Influence of Pre Marriage Love

Many people believe that pre marriage love has an influence on marriage and on its results: This is a wrong conception. Let us at first define what love is.

Love is a state of intimacy that comes to be established between the man and the woman for certain reasons which each one has towards the other: he loved her because he admired the characteristics with which she is characterized; for instance, he found her manner of talking to be lovely, her beautiful look to be amiable, etc. As he found certain characteristics in her which made him get attached to her, she also found in him the knight of her dreams i.e. when she saw him, she had in her mind a group of pictures with which she felt affable. Accordingly, a state of intimacy came to be established between them; this state is called love.

Still, this kind of love is not considered to be a guarantee for the success of the marriage. Sometimes, there may be a love which is five year old, yet the marriage fails. Why? This is so because after the marriage has taken place and after they have come in touch with each other, they discover that each one is different from the picture he/ she has had till marriage. Each one of them finds out that his/ her primary conception was illusionary, so it collapsed along with the marriage.

What is wrong about love is the complete turn towards one aspect and the complete forgetting about the other aspects. Thus, one gets shocked with these other aspects which represent an inseparable part from the character of one’s partner; as a result, hatred and negative reactions start to appear.

On the other hand, sometimes marriage takes place without each one having known the other but with just having been acquainted with the general traits to which we previously pointed out. At first, they talk with each other and come to realize that there is an overall intimacy; then, they get married without love having been present between them. Five years later, we notice that their love to each other has grown to a great extent.

Why has love grown even though it was not present between them before marriage? The major reason is the contact between them which makes each one of them discover the essence of the other, gets affable with him/ her, and sees him/ her in a beautiful picture. The better the picture gets, the greater the love becomes with time. Henceforth, in case a husband and his wife declare that they love each other in marriage more than they used to in the previous period, this is natural with the increase of acquaintance, contact, and admiration.

Love, therefore, originates in a natural way. It is not that the marriage which is built on preceding love is the one that is going to go on. Nevertheless, it is not that the marital life which is built on the non presence of love is the one that is going to go on. The marriage that is going to go on is the one which is established on the basis of several characteristics which are present in both the husband and the wife and which result in positive impressions which bring about a positive emotional and sensual state.

1- Why is there such a concern as regards the choice of the partner of life?
2- Mention some of the women whom the man is advised not to get married to?
3- Who are the women whom the man is advised to get married to?
4- What are the characteristics of the man who is suitable as a husband?
5- Is poverty considered to be an excuse for the woman to refuse to get married to a certain man? Why? Lesson Three

1- Meezan Al-Hekma [The Standard of Sagacity]/ Mohammadi Al-Rishahri/ Part Two/ Page 1181
2- Meezan Al-Hekma/ Part Two/ Page 1181
3- Makarem Al-Akhlaq [The Loftiest Morals]/ Sheikh Al-Tobrossi/ Page 204
4- Meezan Al-Hekma/ Part Two/ Page 1182
5- Meezan Al-Hekma [The Standard of Sagacity]/ Mohammadi Al-Rishahri/ Part Two/ Page 1183
6- The Noble Qur’an/ Al-Nour [The Light] Surah/ Aya 32
7- The Noble Qur>an/ Al-Nisaa [The Women] Surah/ Aya 130
8- The Noble Qur>an/ Al-Nour [The Light] Surah/ Aya 32
9- Meezan Al-Hekma [The Standard of Sagacity]/ Mohammadi Al-Rishahri/ Part Two/ Page 1181