Choosing the Partner

Introduction

Choosing the life partner is considered to be a critical matter in the life of both the man and the woman. This is so because marriage is the most important step towards the social maturity of the human being; it is a transitional step from the stage of adolescence and not carrying the responsibility to the stage of awareness and carrying the responsibility. By means of marriage, the human being is complemented, and he moves ahead in carrying out the role which The Most High Allah delineated to him.

Consequently, choosing the partner means in the first place choosing a person who is supposed to accompany the human being till the end of the lifetime, be entrusted with the personal secrets and the personal life, and be the father or the mother for the coming children… These points in addition to other ones endowed the issue of choosing the partner with the greatest importance and made the divine doctrine shed light on it once in advice, at another time in warning, and at another time in demonstration of the broad lines for the good choice of the man and the woman.

It is related that Imam Al-Sadik (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) said, «The woman is a necklace, so consider what necklace you put on. No woman, whether good or bad, has a price. As regards the good one, her price is not the gold and silver; she is better than the gold and the silver are. As regards the bad one, her price is not the soil; the soil is better than she is.»¹

In one narrative, it is related that Dawood Al-Karkhi said, «I said to Abou Abdullah Al-Sadik (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him), ‘My wife died, and she was in agreement with me when I wanted to get married.’ He (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) said, ‘Consider the place where you are going to put yourself and the one whom you are going to share your money with and to make acquainted with your religion, secret, and trust; in case you are going for sure to get married, then let [your bride] be a virgin who is known to be righteous and endowed with good moral.

The morals of women are various
Some are a gain while some are a loss
Some are like the moon when it comes out
While some are like the darkness
He who gets a good one will be glad
Yet he who gets a bad one will be out of order²

Likewise is the case as regards the woman herself. She has to take into consideration the characteristics of the man who proposes to her; it is ascribed to Allah’s prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household) that he said, «In case a man whom you are pleased with his religion and trustworthiness asks the hand [of your daughter], then agree to.»³

Who Is the Suitable Wife?

The interest in the choice of the wife originates from several considerations, among which the following are the most prominent:
* The wife is going to be the future mother, and it is doubtless that the mother has an obvious role in transmitting the –good or bad- traits to the child’s character. From here, the husband must be careful as regards the good choice from among the women in order to choose the pure vessel into which to put his semen which is going to become later an individual who is going to have his own role and important position in his society.

* The wife is going to be the future support of the husband; therefore, the more stable and reposeful –as is stated in the previously mentioned Aya- she makes his life within the family, the more influential and effective his role outside the family is going to be.

Henceforth, the husband must take into consideration several traits which should be available in the future wife; among these traits, the most prominent ones are the following:

1- The Religious Woman
The first trait which the man must look for in the partner of his life and his future is the religiousness and the abidance to the doctrinal rules. In the related narratives, the woman which one should get married to is described to be the «religious» woman; it is related in one narrative that The Noblest Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household) said, «He who gets married to a certain woman just for her beauty is not going to see in her what he desires. And he who gets married to her just for her money is going to have Allah making him subservient to it. So get married to the religious one.»⁴

2- The Woman Who Is Capable of Management
The man should take into consideration the wife’s characteristics and her ability of management, for it is related in one narrative that The Prince of the Believers Imam Ali (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) said, «The best among your wives is the one whose smell is sweet; whose food is delicious; who, in case of spending [money], spends it for good; and who, in case of keeping [money] back, keeps it back for good. She is one of Allah’s workers, and Allah’s worker will not be disappointed (and will not be regretful).»⁵

In addition, it is forbidden, as is stated in one narrative, to choose the foolish woman; it is ascribed to Allah’s prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household) that he said, «Beware of getting married to a foolish woman because her companionship is a loss and her progeny is lost.»⁶

3- The Well Bred Woman
It is meant by «well bred» that the woman grew up in a family and social environment which are characterized with the good moral characteristics. It is ascribed to Allah’s prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household) that he said, «Beware of the deceitful woman.» He was asked, «O Allah’s prophet! Who is the deceitful woman?» He (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household) answered, «She is the beautiful woman yet is evil bred.»⁷

It is recommendable to take into consideration the social environment where she is living, where she grew up, where she received her teachings, the conditions she has passed through, and what her thoughts and convictions are. This is so because the social environment where she was reared up, the scholastic environment from which she graduated, and the environment of the section and the village and the country where she has been living are all effective elements in the character of the human being.

Moreover, the members of her own family are going to become later a part of the family of her children and are going to be from the effective elements with respect to instructing and educating the children. To add is the effect of the heredity on them; it is ascribed in one narrative that The Noblest Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household) said, «Choose well [the women into whom you are going to have] your semen, for women give birth to [children] resembling their brothers and sisters.»⁸

4- The Woman Whom You Incline To
It is meant by this the woman whom you choose and admire her character, not the woman whom someone imposes on you or whom someone else- not you- admires. This is so because at the end she is going to be in your own house and not in the house of the others. In one narrative, it is related that one of Imam Al-Sadik’s (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) companions said to him, «I want to get married a woman, yet my parents want [me to get married to] another one.» He (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) said to him, «Get married to the one whom you want, and turn away from the one whom your parents want.»⁹
 
Here, one must pay attention not to hurt his parents’ feelings through his refusal manner which should be soft and easy going i.e. taking into consideration not to cause any harm to them.

The Outweighing Trait

Usually does the man consider all these traits when he wants to get married to a certain woman, and all of them are logical and important; still, the prior one to all of them is that of religiousness and abidance by the doctrinal rules. The man, therefore, should not, for instance, prefer the non pious woman to the pious one on the basis of the former’s beauty because religiousness is the major trait which is preferred to all the other traits.

Suppose that one man needs to choose between a beautiful yet not pious woman and an ordinary yet pious woman, Islam calls him in this case to choose the second one; it is ascribed in one narrative that The Noblest Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household) said, «The beauty of the woman’s face is not to be chosen in preference to her good religiousness.»¹⁰ In another narrative, it is also related to Allah’s prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household) that he said, «The woman is chosen for marriage for four issues: her money, her religiousness, her beauty, and her name. Choose the one who is characterized by religiousness.»¹¹

1- Meezan Al-Hekma [The Standard of Sagacity]/ Mohammadi Al-Rishahri/ Part Two/ Page 1182
2- Makarem Al-Akhlaq [The Loftiest Morals]/ Sheikh Al-Toborssi/ Page 199
3- Meezan Al-Hekma/ Part Two/ Page 1181
4- Meezan Al-Hekma [The Standard of Sagacity]/ Mohammadi Al-Rishahri/ Part Two/ Page 1181
5- Makarem Al-Akhlaq [The Loftiest Morals]/ Sheikh Tobrossi/ Page 200
6- Bihar Al-Anwar [The Seas of Lights]/ Part Hundred/ Page 327/ Section 35
7- Meezan Al-Hekma [The Standard of Sagacity]/ Mohammadi Al-Rishahri/ Part Two/ Page 1183
8- Meezan Al-Hekma/ Part Two/ Page 1183
9- Makarem Al-Akhlaq [The Loftiest Morals]/ Sheikh Al-Tobrossi Page 237
10- Meezan Al-Hekma [The Standard of Sagacity]/ Mohammadi Al-Rishahri/ Part Two/ Page 1181
11- Meezan Al-Hekma/ Part Two/ Page 1181