Choosing the Partner

Imam Al-Rida (p.b.u.h) said: “If a religious man with good ethics proposes to your daughter, give your consent.”

Imam Al-Baker (p.b.u.h) said: “Marry the religious women…may Allah bless you.”

By the time a girl or a guy are mature enough, one question keeps coming to their mind about the description of the future partner. However, this might not even occur if one of them has been driven away by the current of love, leaving behind him a group of norms and forgetting about the qualities needed to be found in the other. This is what the expression “love is blind” refers to.

In a similar situation, the right thing to do is to get back to the righteous religion (Islam) that did not leave this question without an answer. In fact, Islam found a solution and a remedy and set the characteristics of both the husband and the wife warning from some types for a perfect choice; at then, the couple are not regretful likewise others. When the people feel disappointed about the choice they made, this is probably the fruit of hasty decisions and recklessness without any deep knowledge of the partner and what is the real essence of this everlasting relationship. In this case, it’s wise to say: “haste makes waste and slowly is safety.”

So let’s get to know together the characteristics of a partner in both directions: the ones to chose and the ones to leave.

The characteristics of the Husband:

They are divided into two: the positive ones and the negative ones, or the good and the bad.

The positive characteristics:

These ones incite us to choose him:

First: He must be pious

We read in the following Hadith that a man came to Imam Al-Hassan (p.b.u.h) to seek advice from him whether to accept a groom proposing to his daughter or not. The Imam (p.b.u.h) said: “Let your daughter marry from a pious man, if he loves her he will honor her, and if he dislikes her he won’t do her wrong.”

In this Hadith, the Imam (p.b.u.h) offers us a statement about the expected effects of marrying a pious.

Second: Loyal

In addition to being consent with his religion in a way that he does not divert from the holy law (of Islam), the Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace upon Him and his Household) says:
“If a religious and loyal man proposes to your daughter, give your consent. If you don’t, then there is sedition on earth and a big corruption.”

By this, the Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace upon Him and his Household) made clear the negative effects, like sedition and corruption, of refusing a marriage based on other criteria that have nothing to do with Islam, such as his financial capabilities or if the family he belongs to is well-known.

Third: Polite

Imam Al-Rida (p.b.u.h) said:

“If a religious man with good ethics proposes to your daughter, give your consent and don’t let his poverty restrain you. Allah (all praised) said: {And if the two separate Allah will make each one independent of the other, with His Capability} (Surat Al-Nisa’; 130).

And He said: {If they are poor, Allah will make them wealthy by His munificence} (Surat Al-Nour;32).

It is so sad that the echo of these invitations to adopt the right norm gets no response, except from a group whose faith has been tested by Allah. On the other hand, an opposite invitation of a so called “providing the girl’s future” trend, prevented lots of people from joining the boat of married life, made their dreams vanish and drove them away to perversion.

The Negative Characteristics:

They incite us to refuse him:

First: An alcohol drinker

Imam Al-Rida (p.b.u.h) said:

“Never let your daughter marry from an alcohol drinker. If you do, it’s like your guiding towards adultery.”

It’s fair enough to see nowadays and earlier before, the homes that are broken as a result of the householders’ bad conduct, leading to nothing but destruction and collapse.

Second: A man with no morals

This is a destructive element and not a constructive one, with which love never lasts. Our Prophet and Imams (p.b.u.t) talked about the interdiction of marrying this kind of man, even if he was a relative or a blood tie.

A man says that he once wrote to Imam Abi Al-Hassan (Imam Ali) (p.b.u.h), telling him that a relative proposed to his daughter but he got no morals. The Imam (p.b.u.h) answered:
“Don’t give your consent if he has no morals.”

Third: A skeptical man

The honorable speeches explained this by the fact that a wife imitates her husband and follows his manners. Therefore, he can take her to the wrong path, as those who deny the Wilaya say that this will lead her to support the ones she must antagonize and vice versa. In this case, we find a double warning as our lord Imam Al-Sadek (p.b.u.h) says:

“Marry a skeptical woman but don’t give your daughters for skeptical men, because the woman imitates her man’s manners and he forces her to adhere to his religion.”

The Description of the Wife:

These are also divided into two sections, good and bad.

The Good Characteristics:

They are restricted to a unified description that contains all the good manners, and they are:
(A religious woman) and this is the description that we must look for and based on which the right choice is made and a home is built. It is the key to succeed in making a good family and a crucial factor for the peace of mind and good living. Even if a group of people took their decision according to money, beauty and endless considerations like social classes, they were wrong as the Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace upon Him and his Household) said:

“A woman is chosen for marriage according to four characteristics: her money, her religion, her beauty and her family root. So you better choose the religious one.”

Imam Al-Baker (p.b.u.h) said: “You better marry the religious women and Allah will bless you.

This comes consistent with the missions and duties requested from her and they only lead to the straight characteristics mentioned above.

The Bad Characteristics:

They invite us to reject her:

First: If she was a fool:

The Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace upon Him and his Household) said:
“Never marry from a fool, her company is a loss and her son is a coward.”

The two parts of this recommendation refer to a warning on the educational level: the first one points out to the company that does not guide the husband to the right path and reform, but to loss and death. The second one is related to children’s care whose personalities are mixed with hers and inherit her morals. Since she doesn’t represent the guiding light for them, they are lost in the darkness of her ignorance.

Second: A Woman with Deceptive Appearances

The Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace upon Him and his Household) said:
“Never marry the one with a deceptive appearance.”
So he was asked: “What does that mean?”
The Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace upon Him, and his Household) said: “The pretty woman from a bad descent.”

This kind of women have a nice look and a bad essence, yet if a woman’s beauty is joined with her perfection and religiosity, then she will be acceptable. However, the element over which a decision must be taken is the essence and not the look.

The Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace upon Him and his Household) said:
“Who chooses a woman to marry for her beauty only, won’t find in her what he loves.”

The Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace upon Him and his Household) also said:
“The beauty of a woman’s face must not be chosen over her good religiosity.”

Third: The Rich Instead of the Faithful:

She is the one desired for her big fortune, in order to reach worldly goals that are not related to the spirit of true marriage relationship or consistent with it. This marriage is destined to fail when the money is gone, and this is a cause to misery as it was built on a bad choice.

The Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace upon Him and his Household) said:
“..and he who marries her for her money, Allah does not look at him (and he is stuck with the material world). So you must choose the religious women.”

Yet marrying from a religious woman who has money is not a bad thing after all, as she is a support (to draw you near to Allah).