The Marital Problems

Introduction

In general, the conflicts influence the environment of affection and amiability which prevail in the family; and when these conflicts go on, they change the intimate familial atmospheres into atmospheres of malice and sometimes atmospheres of enmity.

This is in terms of the husband and the wife. In terms of the children, the consequences of the conflict take forms which threaten their education and rearing up on the straight path. The conflict, therefore, poisons the atmosphere of the family; and the smoke of the battles will inescapably burn their eyes, if not suffocate them and ruin their future.

Still, we must not restrict our view to the negative aspect only because the presence of some problems has a positive aspect also i.e. when they come up to the surface and are then handled, the husband and the wife reach certain agreements which may represent a base for a long term comfort.

The Consequences of the Unsuccessful Marriage

As the successful marriage has its positive consequences, the unsuccessful marriage has its negative consequences which at some times may be dangerous and devastating. From among the consequences of the unsuccessful marriage are the following:

1- Divorce
Divorce is one of the most dangerous and tremendous problems resulting from the failure of the marital relationship, and it is from the issues that are detested in the divine doctrine; it is related in one narrative that Allah’s prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household) said, «Nothing is more detested by The Most Glorious and Reverent Allah than a house in Islam ruined by disunion.»¹ In addition, it is related that Imam Ali (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) said, «Get married and do not get divorced because The Throne [of Allah] shakes from the divorce.»²

Divorce results in a lot of blights, among which is throwing the children at loss. The child is in need for the tenderness of his/ her mother, and no other woman can replace the mother as regards rearing the children up. Also, the child is in need for the shadow of the father which no one can easily compensate for. To add are the psychological consequences which affect the soul of the child as a result of what he/ she witnesses concerning his father’s and his mother’s separation and as a result of his lack of the feeling of reassurance which is brought about by the peaceful atmospheres in the stable family.

2- The Familial Violence
The unsuccessful marriage leads to cases of familial violence which appear in terms of violence in general and in terms of the husband’s beating of his wife. These cases may sometimes reach the extent of the husband’s or the wife’s beating of the children since some mates give outlet to their anxiety from each other through hitting and mistreating their children.

These cases of familial violence are considered from the problems which are threatening the future of the society due to the implied danger which is represented by the emergence of an anxious and violent generation which attempts to achieve its aims by means of violence and clash.

Islam did not permit the violence in the family; it is related that The Noblest Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household) said, «I wander from who beats his wife while he is more deserving of beating than she is.»³ It is as well related that Imam Ali (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) said in his recommendation to his son Imam Al-Hassan (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him), «Let not your family be the most miserable, among the mankind, with you.»⁴

3- The Social Problems
The social problems originate from the husband’s and the wife’s lack of the psychological stability that they live in a whirl of psychological anxiety. This psychological anxiety is expressed through the anger with the present condition or through the anger with each other, thus bringing about the troubles through getting in clashes with the others. Among the problems which originate from the state of the lack of stability is the ineffectiveness in the work and in life in general, and this in turn opens the door in front of other problems.

It is indispensable to point out to the negativity of anger and to its destructive consequences; it is related in one discourse that Imam Ali (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) said, «Anger is an evil; if you obey it, it will be destructive.»⁵ In another narrative, it is also related that he (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) said, «The reason of destruction is the obedience of anger.»⁶

What Are the Reasons of Conflict?

There are many reasons for the conflicts between the husband and the wife, yet we can get them under the following four major titles:

1- Not Abiding to the Sacred Doctrine: The Most High Allah put the laws to organize the marital relationship and made it in the form which best guarantees the happy and successful marital relationship. When the human being turns away from these religious limits and trespasses them, then he/ she will be threatening the whole marital life.

From here, it is necessary for the wife to get acquainted with the marital dues and with the etiquettes of the relationship with her husband so as to effectuate a state of invulnerability which protects the building of the family from cracking.

2- The Faults: The wrong evaluation which results from not knowing the partner, his peculiarities, what he likes, and what he hates or the inability to harmonize with him in spite of knowing his inclinations and his peculiarities may result in tension and doing faults, thus endangering the marital life. Therefore, being well acquainted with the partner helps in understanding the behaviors in a way effectuating harmony.

3- Irrationality: The false or illusionary concepts about life and the future are from the problems which face marriage. The male and female youths may be living in a world of rosary dreams and thus perceive the future to be a heaven with shades all around as it is related in stories and narratives. However, when they enter into their new world, they start looking for that promised heaven, yet they will not find it. Then, each one of them will blame the other, with the chapter of the bitter conflict starting and depriving the life of its flavor and meaning. Each one of them is accusing the other with deceit, and each of them is blaming the other. This is so because some hopes and wishes are so illusionary to the extent that they can not be achieved in reality.

4- The Monotonousness of Life: From the issues which contribute to conflict is the monotonousness of life which starts after a long period of repetitive daily program and makes the husband and the wife feel bored. Then, they will devote their entire attention to criticizing each other, thus giving rise to the conflicts.

Henceforth, the husband and the wife should renovate themselves for each other and appear in a remarkable manner. This is recommended by our true religion i.e. renovating and beautifying themselves through the clothes and the appearance. It is related in one narrative ascribed to Imam Al-Sadik (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him) that he said, «The husband can not dispense in his relationship with his wife without three things: agreement in order to gain her love and affection, his good moral with her, and wining her heart by means of looking beautiful in her eyes and by means of being generous with her.»⁷ In another narrative also ascribed to him (Allah’s peace bestowed upon him), it is related, «… And showing love to him through looking fascinating and beautiful in his eye.»⁸

How Can We Avoid the Failure of the Marriage?

From among the most significant issues which help the husband and the wife to avoid the failure of the marital relationship are the following:
* The good choice of the partner before the marriage and the consideration of the measures which we mentioned
* The man’s being a good companion to the wife during the marital life and the woman’s being a good wife to the husband: This can be achieved when both the husband and the wife regard each other to be a blessing bestowed by The Most High Allah on him/ her. It is related that The Noblest Prophet (Allah’s prayers and peace bestowed upon him and his Household) said, «The believer is more benefited good of nothing, next to fearing The Most Glorious and Reverent Allah, than he is of a righteous wife.»⁹

Still, the blessing is a trial with which man is afflicted, for he may use it in a good way and he may use it in a bad way. The blessing does not benefit the human being and does not continue to be beneficial unless he deals with it in a positive way and unless he pays the dues which the others have on him; otherwise, both the husband and the wife will lose in case they misuse this divine blessing.

* The husband’s and the wife’s payment of the divine dues each one of them has on the other
* Fortifying the marital relationship from the outer intrusions and from the negative influence of the environment
With the consideration of these issues, the husband and the wife can maintain their marital relationship and make it a repose, rest, and position for the completeness of both of them.

1- What are the reasons which lead to the conflict in the family?
2- What are the negative consequences of divorce?
3- What are the consequences of the familial violence?
4- What is meant by the monotonousness of life? How can it be managed?
5- How do the outer intrusions affect the relationship between the husband and the wife? Lesson Seven

1- Meezan Al-Hekma [The Standard of Sagacity]/ Mohammadi Al-Rishahri/ Part Two/ Page 1736
2- Kanz Al-Ommal [The Treasure of the Workers]/ Al-Mottaqi Al-Hindi/ Part Nine/ Page 661
3- Meezan Al-Hekma [The Standard of Sagacity]/ Mohammadi Al-Rishahri/ Part Two/ Page 1186
4- Meezan Al-Hekma/ Part Two/ Page 1187
5- Meezan Al-Hekma/ Part Three/ Page 2264
6- Meezan Al-Hekma/ Part Two/ Page 1232
7- Meezan Al-Hekma [The Standard of Sagacity]/ Mohammadi Al-Rishahri/ Part Two/ Page 1185
8- Meezan Al-Hekma / Part Two/ Page 1185
9- Meezan Al-Hekma / Part Two/ Page 1184